Festivus 2016

Hey fools. It’s that time of year again. Time to bust out the unadorned pole. Time to bust out the anger, bitterness, and feats of strength. It’s Festivus. Let’s go through my airing of grievances and discuss everyone who disappointed me this year. You were warned.

Baltimore Ravens – Stop getting my hopes up. 3 wins in a row to start the season and then all this edge of my seat sitting for single digit wins or losses. Never a blowout one way or the other. Always stupidly close no matter who you are playing. And you have a shot at the Division, but it’s going to disappear if you don’t beat the Steelers on Christmas. Also, a Christmas game with the Steelers when I have to get up wicked early the next morning. AHHH!

Cartoon Network – Come on. The new Powerpuff Girls was just not that good. You can do better, you know like just re-airing the original. You have a variety of much better shows on now, what gives?

Gary Johnson – You were handed a perfect opportunity to bring the Libertarian Party to the forefront. On paper, you have such an excellent resume. Successful two term governor. Small business owner who became a big business owner through grit and hard work. Your personal story is a great story. What did you do? Didn’t even break 5% nationally when early polling had you at close to 15%. It’s disappointing to say the least. And seriously – what was with all your interviews? You seemed exasperated to even be interviewed and, frankly, stoned at times. I mean, I still voted for you, but still. For real. Come on, man.

G-Nitro – Why did you link me to those weird That Poppy videos? They’re so weird and unsettling, yet I kept watching a few of them. Why dude? Just why.

Grey’s Anatomy – Why is this show on the air still? Why hasn’t it been cancelled years ago? And why have I watched so many episodes with my wife that I have strong opinions on some of the characters? Seriously, Karev’s violent actions were so out of character and antithetical to the redemption path his character had taken since Season 1. You’re killing me! AHHH! Why do I have such opinions about such an awful show…

Primary Voters – Seriously? We had competent candidates on both sides who were not entirely heinous and we ended up with the two most hated figures in American politics as our primary candidates for President? That was just depressing to watch.

Yomiuri Telecasting Corporation – You give me the fun and ridiculous Crane Game Girls with Season 1 – the ridiculous nature of the show was entertaining to watch week after week. Then when season 2 rolls around, it starts out as one big boob joke without the same silliness and crane game hijinks of Season 1. Season 2 got better, but in the end it was a comedy idol series with some amusing sci-fi elements. It wasn’t bad, it definitely had some really funny points especially when it mocked itself. But, in the end, it was not as much fun as Season 1.


Festivus 2014, Festivus 2015

About the Author

Matthew Newman

Matthew Newman is a Christian environmental engineer (Professionally licensed in Maryland). He’s also a husband, beard aficionado, Dad of four beautiful children, blogger, and all around geeky guy from Baltimore County. When he’s not chasing his kids or working, he’s probably asleep.

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