Friday Fight: The Joker vs Knives Million

This week as we look at our Friday Fight, I want to talk about two characters who are evil and want not so much domination, but to ensure destruction seemingly randomly. We have the Joker from DC Comics and Knives Million from the anime and manga series Trigun. Let’s talk about our characters, shall we?

The Joker is a villain from DC Comics, specifically the Batman series. The Joker has no superpowers. He is, however, insane and incredibly clever. All of his villainous acts come back as jokes, in his mind, even if the punchline is death. He is cunning, ruthless, hateful, and devoted to his bits. He is not remotely sane in any classic depiction of the Joker.

Knives Million is our main villain in the anime/manga series Trigun. Knives is the brother to our heroic main character, Vash the Stampede. He, like Vash, is a “plant.” Plants are interdimensional beings with ridiculous power generating abilities. They have extremely long lifespans and, generally, are indestructible in most circumstances. They can be harmed, but they generally heal themselves over time. Knives and Vash are independent plants which can live on their own, most cannot. He has the telepathic abilities which he has used in the past to drive others insane. He is also a mass murderer who hates the human race. He has an “Angel Arm” weapon which he can use to destroy huge areas. He can also use his brothers, but I digress.

Now, I need to create a scenario where the two somehow interact. In doing so, it’s going to be…a bit of a challenge. But, here goes.

Ahh, time to relax, the Joker thinks to himself. He’s already killed the crew of Wayne Enterprise’s intergalactic voyage, except the captain. He’s got Harley holed up in a box still. She can wait, he thinks to himself, she doesn’t mind. She probably didn’t, but even if she did, he did not care. After spending time cryogenically frozen, the Joker was going to take this box to a far flung planet and see if he can sully the Wayne name. He also hopes the teleportation equipment he stole from the Justice League will work so he can get back home. If not, he thought to himself, joke’s on me. With that he laughed manically.

The ship crashed onto a desert planet. He did not recognize anything, but it did not matter. He was going to settle on it, mess around, then return home perhaps with some new soldiers, prisoners, or merely something to look at. He finally let Harley out and the two emerged from the ship.

“Oh, puddin, can we call this place home?” she asked.

“No, we’re looking for…something.” The Joker saw that their ship had crashed not merely into a desert planet, but a habited one. The area he was in appeared to be a hole with debris from what was at one point a settlement. The Joker finds a child hiding inside of a small building.

“Hello little one,” he says with a smile. “What happened?”

“V-v-v-v-v-v-ash the Stampede was here. He just…he just.” The child burst into tears.

“What’s a V-v-v-v-v-ash?”

“He’s a monster of a man. He destroys whole cities.”

“Now that would be entertaining to bring to Gotham. A being which can destroy the city, and will even after they pay me the ransom. What brilliance!”

“It’s amazing, puddin” Harley said.

“Who asked you,” Joker said as he shoved her to the side. “Where did this Vash go?”

“I don’t know,” the child said. He curled back into a little ball inside the small structure.

“I’m sorry for your loss, little man,” Joker said as he walked away with Harley. He turned around swiftly after going about 20 paces and shot the boy in the gut. The boy collapsed in a pool of blood. He turned to Harley, “How ironic, he survived an explosion only to die unassumingly from a random passerby. Poor little man.”

___________________________________________________________________________

Knives stood a few miles from the wreckage when he heard the descent of a large aircraft. He turned around and saw it crash into the middle of the crater where the Serene used to stand. There may be survivors, he thought. He relished the idea of killing a few survivors.

He began to walk back toward the destroyed hamlet when he saw two people approaching. They were adorned in gaudy outfits befitting a set of clowns. A male and one female. They were a good 200 yards away when he saw them. He stopped suddenly and pulled out his pistol. Can I hit them from here? he thought to himself. He aimed at the female and fired a shot off.

Joker stopped suddenly as Harley was shot in the shoulder blade. She fell to the ground from the force of the shot. “Puddin, who shot me?”

“I don’t see them quite yet my dear, but a good show they’re putting on.” A game of cat and mouse he wants. I like games, the Joker thought to himself.

The Joker yelled out, “Hello – are you the stampede they were talking about who devastated the town? You missed one, so I had to clean it up for you.” He waved as he yelled.

Knives did not really know how to respond to that. Missed one? he thought, what is he playing? He saw that the female clown was on the ground. This fool seemed harmless to him, so he carefully started to walk toward him.

“What do you want, clown?” Knives yelled back.

“A moment of your time, that is all.”

Knives keeps walking forward as the Joker stands firm. Harley lies there on the ground bleeding. “Uhm, Mista J. Are you going to, you know, save me? I’m kind of bleeding out here. It’s a gusher.”

“Oh, quiet you. Put a bandage on it and hush your pretty little mouth.” He smiled at her then stared back at Knives.

Knives stands before the Joker and glances down at Harley. She’s slowed the bleeding by ripping off some of her shirt and holding it against the wound. “Are you going to tend to her?”

“Who?” Joker looks down, “Oh her, oh she’s fine. Whatever. How would you like to blow up a large city?”

“What?”

“Destroy a giant metropolis. I have a city on another planet I’m sure you’d love if you like to break and destroy and explode.”

“You are wasting my time.” Knives pulled out his gun, the Joker did the same.

“I’m offering you millions upon millions of lives to annihilate. All I ask is that…you kill them.”

“Who?”

“Everyone, of course.” The Joker waved his hands around, “Ahh, the people of Gotham need to die as the great punchline to my greatest joke.”

“Which is?”

“How lives would it take to stop the Joker? The answer is, none,” he laughed, “I’ll never stop.” He continued to laugh.

Knives just stared at him, then pulled the trigger. He had the gun pointed at the Joker’s shoulder, he fell to the ground. “Humans will not care. Their compassion exists merely because they believe themselves to be better, more important than the rest of creation. They are wrong. People will care for a moment if you destroy this Gotham of which you speak, but the destruction will be forgotten once rebuilding has begun. The lessons they learn will be forgotten.” Knives keeps his gun pointed at the Joker, this time at his head.

The Joker continues to laugh on the ground, “That’s the joke. Humanity is cynical and uncaring. How many lives does it take for a people to actually begin to care? One. More than one ceases to be a person and becomes a statistic. It’s funny how mass murder is a statistic, but one death is personal. If you kill me, that’ll be personal. You killing this town? It’s a tragedy people will eventually forget.” He keeps laughing.

Knives just stares puzzled at the Joker. While this was going on, Harley had snuck behind Knives with a rock. She was about to smash him in the head with it, when Knives noticed she was coming. He swiftly turns around and shoots her in the belly, killing her on impact. The Joker keeps laughing on the ground as Knives walks over to him. “You’re right, clown. One death is more personal.” He then points the gun at the Joker’s head and pulls the trigger.

That’s how I’d imagine it playing out. How about you? Vote now below.

Who Would Win?

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About the Author

Matthew Newman

Matthew Newman is a Christian environmental engineer (Professionally licensed in Maryland). He’s also a husband, beard aficionado, Dad of four beautiful children, blogger, and all around geeky guy from Baltimore County. When he’s not chasing his kids or working, he’s probably asleep.

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