Friday Fight: Deadpool vs Bolt Crank

This week, I’m going with two very weird mercenaries – Deadpool from Marvel Comics (who’s got a new movie coming out if you didn’t know due to your life under rocks) and Bolt Crank from the manga/anime series Eat-Man. Both are guns for hire in strange universes – one more cyberpunk with some fantasy elements, the other from the Marvel Universe filled with crazy super powered heroes and villains. Let’s talk about each of them individually.

Deadpool’s a mutant with ridiculous fast healing powers. How fast? Try cutting him into pieces and guess what – he eventually heals coming back together. He’s also a highly trained assassin, an incredible marksman, and very skilled in the martial arts (and with a sword). The “Merc with the Mouth” is also a character who seems to know he’s in a comic book at times, giving nods and winks to the audience. He’s also a huge hit on the internet.

Bolt Crank is different. He’s eternal, meaning he can’t just die of old age. He can, however, be killed. His superpower is that he can eat anything inorganic and make it reappear from his body, sometimes repairing it internally. It’s…a weird superpower as played out in the Eat-Man series. He’s also a well trained marksman and mercenary who has been taking odd jobs throughout his life. The manga implies he was created before the world began and his powers came to him from the beginning, making him still functionally immortal. However, he can bleed – and his body can be destroyed.

How do I see this battle of the mercs playing out? Here’s my scenario:

BAMFT!

Deadpool finds himself in another dimension. “Man, I never knew a Gypsy curse was a real thing until today. I thought that was just something made up to scare little girls.” He looks around. “Looks like Earth.” Takes a deep breath. “Smells a little worse than Earth, but whatever.” He starts to walk around to see what’s what. “If I’m getting Mary Sue’d into someone else’s story to be the new hero, I might as well make the most of it,” he says as he frolics along the path he finds before him.

__________________________________________

Elsewhere, Bolt Crank sees a tear in the universe above the forest. He sees some red being fall from the sky. I better check this out, Crank thinks to himself. He walks into the forest toward the place of the crash.

He could hear singing in the distance, but did not recognize the voice or the song. He stopped for a moment with his gun at the ready behind a nearby tree.

__________________________________________

“We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of…where am I again?” Deadpool stops for a moment confused and scratches his head. He hears something, or someone moving. “Oh man, am I in another one of those ‘let’s see who’s stronger fight sequences’ things again.” He turns around and sees Bolt Crank standing there next to the tree. “I am, aren’t I. And with some weird trenchcoat dude. Oh man!” Deadpool pulls out his guns and points them straight at Crank’s head. He fires. Crank opens his mouth and both bullets go inside with a big gulp. “Well, that’s new,” Deadpool says.

Pulling out his blades, Deadpool charges at Crank. Crank shoots at him a few times striking him in the chest, but Deadpool doesn’t slow down. “I can’t die, dude, but that doesn’t really feel all that nice.” He gets closer and swings at Crank’s head, forcing Crank to duck. Crank’s hand begins to shake as a long metal pipe appears in his hand. He uses it to block the sword as it comes down at him.

“Holy crap, dude. What kind of powers do you have?” Deadpool asks.

“I can bring things back after I eat them.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“No, seriously?”

“Yes.”

“That’s weird.”

Crank just stares at him. “Who are you?”

“Name’s Deadpool. The internet loves me, don’t you?” he says this and turns away from Crank. Crank just stands there confused and shakes his head for a moment.

“If we are to battle, let us battle. Enough with the frivolity.”

“Fine by me. My two swords against your…stomach. Let’s do this thang!”

Deadpool and Crank begin their dance, swinging and blocking, swinging and blocking. Each get a few hits in here and there. He’s better than me at this, Crank thinks to himself, and he’s really just…a gigantic goofball. What is his motivation?

With Crank distracted, Deadpool slices at his hand cutting it clean off causing the pipe to fall to the ground. “That works.” Deadpool then slices up at Crank’s belly, causing him to fall to the ground.

“Why are you here? Are you death?” Crank says as he lies bleeding on the ground.

“Nope, I’m just a man. Staring at a man.” Deadpool kneels before Crank, “Telling you that…” he then leans into Crank’s ear, “I love you,” he whispers.

Crank slumps onto the ground, seemingly dead. Deadpool stands back up. “Well, that was anticlimactic. Crummy writing if you ask me…”

__________________________________________

“Wait a second…how do I get home?”

So, that’s who I see winning the battle although I’d imagine Crank somehow coming back later as he, long term, can’t exactly die. How about you? Vote now.

Who Would Win?

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About the Author

Matthew Newman

Matthew Newman is a Christian environmental engineer (Professionally licensed in Maryland). He’s also a husband, beard aficionado, Dad of four beautiful children, blogger, and all around geeky guy from Baltimore County. When he’s not chasing his kids or working, he’s probably asleep.

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